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Friday, May 31, 2002
Fashion Fascism
Today is the corporate sacred day. The day when all sins are forgiven. When all men and women come together (yeah, like THAT ever happens) and forget their differences. That’s right, I mean Office ‘jean-day’. That holiest of events when the populace are treated to unholy displays of denim courageousness. Our Office vice-president-in-charge-of-fashion sent out a stern e-mail last night warning us feebs not to dare come in wearing tattered or torn jeans. That all appearances must coincide with the company’s strict dress policy. If you can’t BE sharp, try and look sharp you damned simpletons! I guess she doesn’t have a mirror. ↑
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Backward Incompatible
I wrote a card to a friend. What I wrote sucked. I couldn't use Del or Backspace. The card was ruined. I scanned the outside of the card and printed it out on the colour printer on cardstock. If you can't do the simple things anymore, at least it helps to be a geek. ↑
Runneth over
Life truly is a random series of disappointments. Why should hockey be any different? In fact, life is a lot LIKE hockey. You move back and forth, side to side, chasing something that if you REALLY thought about it… is nothing. You are shoved, slashed, punched, tripped and bruised. And for what? The Big Cup? You try your hardest to make it… and when you come up short, you’ve let the whole world down. When you DO make it? Well, the whole world wants a piece of the action. And just like life, you end up taking one in the nuts now and then… Thank God for The Big Cup. ↑
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Van Gough?
So the new Star Wars flick is out and is receiving earnest sci-fi fans in record numbers. I personally have not seen it, and I’ll be waiting for a few more weeks at least before I venture out, braving the lineups and soiled movie-house upholstery to pay obscene ticket prices just to witness another George Lucas journey into self indulgence. How else would you describe this? Twenty-five years after the fact he puts out ‘prequels’? What the HELL is a PREQUEL? Am I the only one not buying this horseshit? Geez. His obsessive overuse of cinematic technology in ‘Phantom Menance’ should have had him blackballed out of the industry. And what the hell is a Jar-Jar anyways? ↑
Monday, May 27, 2002
Sail away
We had a garage sale this weekend. Well, not actually a ‘garage sale’ since we weren’t in the garage. It was one of those multi-family sales where several houses on the same street sell personal possessions with which they are willing to part from their respective lawns and driveways. I was amazed at the crap that people will buy. We sold old clothes, worn shoes, chipped mugs, scratched CDs, dusty, dingy, dirty things…some of which had not seen the light of day in many years. And somehow, we managed to make around $500. To the gentleman who bought my old ski boots and the lovely old couple who snagged the Ron Popeil Pasta Machine… bless your optimistic hearts. I truly hope you make tasty rigatoni and tame those snow capped Canadian peaks. I’ll see you next year. ↑
Friday, May 24, 2002
Reign and shine
As Canadians, we have this irritating habit of habitually discussing the weather. Some have estimated that it’s because we have such dramatic seasons. Others have said it’s because we are nice people and the weather unifies us…. it gives us some common conversational grounds. Both nice thoughts, but no… not quite. It’s because the government has been secretly controlling our minds since the late 1970s using CIA pioneered mind control techniques. Laugh if you will, but how else would you explain Al Waxman’s 7 year stint as the King of Kensington? I implore you. Resist them. DO NOT DISCUSS THE WEATHER. But alas, they are very powerful, and I fear that we cannot do it. We cannot escape their tyrannical grip. So what’s up for the weekend? ↑
thought for the dazed.....
a fellow colleague returned to work yesterday after a short 7 week hiatus. now think about it...he could have really stuck it to the bank if he wanted to....he could have continued to remain at home, or to even return on a part time basis....but he felt "ready" to return to the orifice...to the bittersweet smell of "coffee club" coffee and the visual realization that his cubicle's carpet has never been cleaned, not even vaccumed, ever!!! no wonder our stock is diminishing....we work in a ghetto. movin' on up to the eastside, my ass! ↑
Thursday, May 23, 2002
Bubble wrap
It seems to me that people are getting rich off this rap thing. They throw together some loosely scripted lyrics that have pseudo - valiant social connotations. They steal someone else’s music…loop it, add machine created thumping, record it and play it in a video with well endowed bikini-clad women. God bless them. Here is a little rap I wrote. You might want to bust it note for note…. CONFUSION People with remotes clickin’ televison channels, Whales ain’t really fish but in point of fact mammals, Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Little baby diapers spillin’ over with tha’ poo, I find I can’t sleep, I find I can’t eat, Isn’t it ironic like a vegan eating meat? Dontcha think? Dontcha? ↑
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
Sonny? Share.
A while back, I was on a kick about a social theory known as reciprocating altruism. It’s a set of rules that a society can (theoretically) employ to maximize the overall gain for that society. It goes something like this… I will ALWAYS do something nice for you, if you do something nice for me. I will ALWAYS do something bad to you if you do something bad to me. I will ALWAYS start by doing something nice for you. For instance, if I give you some food, you must give me some food. If you take food from me without giving, I will withhold the food, until you give some to me, at which time I will reciprocate with food. This system weeds out the maggots in society who take without giving. The ones who leech from the teat of the kind and generous. The ones who think that they are somehow ensuring the propagation of their own nauseating species by exerting as little effort as possible to gain the maximum amount. Don’t let them. Reciprocate altruism. Reciprocate egotism. Do it. Do it now. ↑
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
My lawn, weakened
The lavender plant I bought two weeks ago has died. A slew of strange, microscopic bugs seem to have infested it. I had kept it in my bedroom with the understanding that the sweet aroma of English Lavender would assist me in my pursuit of nocturnal bliss. God damned insects. We went to Dave and Buster's on Saturday and wasted $60 on games for the feeble. How fitting. We did manage to cash-in the tickets we 'earned' for a stinking stuffed-animal caterpillar worth about $2 that my JRT Boris shredded in about 5 minutes. Oh, and four people won the $34,000,000.00 I hope they choke. ↑
Friday, May 17, 2002
Penny For Your Thoughts
She'd always wondered why girls always went to spend a penny. Really, what could so little cash buy? Then she found a penny in her panties. She still didn't know what it could buy, but she knew where the store was. ↑
Not Just A Sandwich
The local paper ran headshots of the city's NHL hockey team on the front page the other day. Seems as though they won the 'BIG' game. The headline read: 'A Time For Heroes'. These guys get paid MILLIONS to skate around on ice after a piece of rubber while their peaking testosterone levels force them to pummel eachother. They aren't heroes. They're baboons. They're entertainment. When's the last time you went to the Ice Capades and as you left the show turned to your son or daughter and said "Did you see that flamboyant couple, the way they skated tonight... they're HEROES...". "Heroes are created by popular demand, sometimes out of the scantiest materials, or none at all." - Gerald W. Johnson ↑
Thursday, May 16, 2002
Loss Prevention
Few things in this world are worth holding on to. Cacti for example. I once shared a subway ride with an elderly gentleman who smelled as though he'd urinated in his trousers and not showered for a week. We both stood on the train, swaying to and fro to the rhythm of the track while staring at our own somber refelctions in the darkened glass. I wondered what this man had seen in his life and where he'd been. Who he'd loved and what he'd learned. Then I had a dry heave, cuz he fucking stank. ↑
...Named Desire
They watched from the dry security of the streetcar as she raced across the intersection against a very yellow light. She is certain they laughed as her path led her directly through a wide, deep puddle. Maybe a G&T truck will run them down when they exit the streetcar. ↑
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Communism
My "Privacy and Confidentiality" information was delivered already opened - in the envelope clearly marked "CONFIDENTIAL - TO BE OPENED BY ADDRESSEE ONLY" How revealing. ↑
The Root of All Weevil
Some people spend too much time pondering Houdini's great escape. I prefer to avoid the dark mysteries of magic and cast my luck with the lottery. I'd be happy with $50,000, but will still buy tickets for the $34M draw. Anything to escape these padded walls o' teal. ↑
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
Fresh Young Boys
I love marketers. They aren't paid nearly enough. If they were, they would not have come up with the perfume product line called "Collection Secrete Fragrances". My favourite is "Eau de Teenage Garçon". ↑
F*** Off Spring
Humachickens are people too.... Ironically, The Tiny Tree Chicken and the Chicken Weasel are both misunderstood creatures who work where I do. Should they should date, or worse, reproduce, I would dread their potential progeny. ↑
Foul
The Tiny Tree Chicken and the Chicken Weasel are both misunderstood creatures. Maybe they should date. ↑
I'll Take Door Number 2 Monty
Either a wonderful use of rhetoric or a supremely cruel series of pointed questions. ("...in all the thousand small uncaring ways.") ↑
Stinking Inside The Box
But really.... Who will attend YOUR funeral? How many people REALLY give a damn about you, and of them, who will be there to see you go? Do you ever wonder who will be there when you die? I do. ↑
Monday, May 13, 2002
Have A Cold One
That being said, I would request that my body remain iced in a vat of Pepsi Slurpee until such time that the weather might suit my funeral. An aphorism by Stephen Vincent Benét: "Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. " ↑
Headstoner
If I were to attend your funeral, I would only attend if the weather were rainy and grey. I, too, love literary devices. And the use of the subjunctive. And cemeteries. ↑
No Noose Is Good Noose
It's a dismal day here in the big city. Rainy and grey. If I was going to kill myself, I would choose a day like today for it's pathetic fallacy. ↑
Sunday, May 12, 2002
Friday, May 10, 2002
Rectal Research
And yet even under such harsh conditions you still managed three farts today alone. Security told me. ↑
Lottery Lameness
If I win the Super 7 tonight, then I won't be coming to work on Monday. I don't believe those phony people who say that if they win $24M that they would still work. They lie. If I don't win though, I'll probably be in. ↑
Thursday, May 09, 2002
Print Job
Today I printed a 204 page document. A lady who sits in the cubicle across the hall stood by and waited impatiently while tapping her foot. Was the foot tapping REALLY necessary? ↑  wretched corporate feebs © - All rights reserved - 2002-2004 
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