Turdy

I turned thirty today.

There are so many things I wanted to have accomplished by today. So many things that I should have. And so the list remains….

- grow a fu-manchu styled mustache that dangles past my collarbone
- perform the role of Mr. Mistoffelees in a raunchy off-Broadway rendition of “Cats”
- wax my choada
- eat an entire turkey in one sitting
- sew a quilt or charming throw from the trousers of one dozen homeless men
- pierce my gums
- alternatively dress like Elton John and Mahatma Gandhi every day for a week
- punch any one of New Kids On The Block square in the mouth
- vandalize some asshole’s perfectly good Porsche
- start my own cult
- shave my eyebrows
- waste away in Margaritaville
- hire a troop of talented midgets to crash the Bar/Bat Mitzvah of the son/daughter of a prominent, high profile member of this city’s society
- floss
- consume an obscene amount of pickled eggs on someone else’s tab
- enter into a musical pact with a friend where we promise to play Stairway to Heaven on a tuba at the funeral of whomever dies first
- discover a reliable cure for the common hangover
- develop and perform a touching interpretive dance routine involving Jello brand gelatin and stilts
- find and befriend Emanuel Lewis
- invent a new gibberish language and force my future children to speak it
- take a pottery class and make earthenware shoes, then learn how to dance a frenzied jig for my friends and family
- slay a dragon
- start a petition to banish all children from Starbucks
- banish my enemies to a black hole
- learn how to work a yo-yo with aptitude and finesse
- learn how to work with aptitude and finesse

and finally….

- lead an honest, wholesome, Christian life




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