In Loo Of...

When I die I want to be cremated.

I find the thought of slowly rotting in the dark earth a depressing rite. Not that I will necessarily have thoughts of depression as a corpse. No, those feelings are strictly reserved for our time alive. I don’t want the sanctimonious sprinkling of my ashes off of some picturesque cliff or into the ocean deep… rather, the by-product of my existence should be sprinkled evenly into all of the urinals that so modestly came to my aid in nights of drunken bliss. Those piddle pots were the real heroes in my life… and some of the only truly selfless objects that I ever encountered.


"All they are is dust in the wind." - Kansas 1978




↑ [ discarded by rotameus  |  4:52 PM ]____________________________________________________________ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Deliver us from evil

There’s a coffee shop near my office that I frequent on a daily basis.

As it is in the ‘heart’ of the financial district, we are sometimes treated to a fine display of Suits. “Suits” of course is the generic term that we use to describe the dolled up ladies and gentlemen who strut around this city like the job they do is somehow making the world a better place.

In addition to the flurry of Suits, we also contend with a healthy number of bike couriers. Courier types generally abhor The Suits for their pompousness. The Suits return the revulsion by uncomfortably circumventing the usually disheveled Couriers and by ordering frapped-up coffee drinks that cost more than a courier makes biking the mean streets for an hour.

I am somewhere in the middle, so I can offer this observation; Suits need couriers and vice versa. They are both part of the same commercial circle-of-life. “No couriers” mean lost deals by way of ill-timed document delivery and “No Suits” means no livelihood for the couriers.

So let’s try to get a long shall we?

Suits need to loosen up and stop reviewing every fucking drink that everyone in their party orders….”So what did you get there Gary, a No-Cream-No-Foam-Extra-Shot-Whip-My-Ass-You-Big-Stud-Latte?”…”Why yes Cheryl, you got it right on the head except that it’s a No-Whip-No-Foam-Extra-Shot-Ride-Me-You-Hot-Little-Tease-Cappucino.”. Insert tense, nervous laughter here.

Couriers could start by taking a goddamned shower now and then. Do you have any idea what it’s like riding up 14 stories with a man in tights who smells like a litter box? I mean COME ON! Lever 2000 that funky ass.

It’s my own little roadmap to peace.



↑ [ discarded by rotameus  |  1:43 PM ]____________________________________________________________ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If You Please

I took a cab last night. One that I called for, not some random taxi scoping the streets. The driver took almost 20 minutes to get there, in spite of the fact that I was located approximately one minute away from several hospitals where many cabs tend to flock. The driver didn't bother to open my door, leaving me to struggle with two large, heavy bags. The car reeked of fresh and stale cigarette smoke. The driver got annoyed when I told him not to take his planned (and longer) route.

I had a $10 bill and a $5 bill in my wallet. The fare was about $5.75. I gave the driver the bill and a toonie. And, after I hauled all my crap out of the back seat, off he sped.

Wouldn't you know it, I'd given him the $10 bill. With the loonie, that was about a 108% tip.

Luckily, I had enough change to scrape together for this morning's cab ride...with about a $0.20 tip for fast, prompt and courteous service.

Who ever said that the scum of the world don't prosper?



↑ [ discarded by wAnderLost  |  9:55 AM ]____________________________________________________________ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Stroke of Luck

I just read an article about a medical study out of Australia that “suggests frequent masturbation by men in their 20s provides protection against prostate cancer later in life.”

Wow.

You mean that all those years of unabashed self-loving were good for me?

I now carry around a copy of the article for occasions when I feel the urge to… practice the preventative procedure for the prostate…. and if I am ‘caught’ in the act, I will simply produce the encrusted printout as a sort of “lechery license” and continue on my merry way citing the penile benefits of my actions.

God works in mysterious ways.




↑ [ discarded by rotameus  |  11:19 AM ]____________________________________________________________ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

NeoBlog

Cool. Blogger re-designed.

How lame is it that I'm noticing this now? It probably changed months ago.

Alas.



A Lass.



↑ [ discarded by wAnderLost  |  11:43 AM ]____________________________________________________________ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _