Wontcha be?



Today my neighbour told me that someone had knocked on the door of another one of our neighbours, a neighbour whom I’ve never had the chance to meet. This person pretended to be ME. The imposter laid on some thick story about how he had just moved into the neighbourhood (he had probably seen the For Sale sign on our lawn a few months earlier). He cited my house number and proceeded with some phony chronicle about being locked out of “his” house and that his wife had taken his wallet by mistake and that she wasn’t around and that his kid needed to be picked up etc. etc. He apologized profusely and expressed his embarrassment at the situation. Real sob story.

He managed to talk my nice neighbour out of twenty dollars.

This charlatan used the fact that even though neighbours don’t always get the chance to know each other… they still generally show compassion for those around them and he profited from their kindness.

He has, for a shitty twenty bucks, undermined the spirit of goodwill in my new neighbourhood… and if I ever meet up with him… I will show him my disapproval in a way that will make twenty dollars seem like a very small amount.

That would be a beautiful day in the neighbourhood.




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Victoria’s Secret



This weekend marked the official launch of the "summer season" for most Canadians. Us Canucks affectionately refer to the first long weekend of the season as "May Two Four". Although commonly believed to be a National Holiday created by the Molson's Beer Company, the actual historical significance of May Two Four has nothing to do with the Canadian unit of measure for lager. May 24th is when we celebrate the distinguished life of Queen Victoria of England… who was our Sovereign governess from 1837 until 1901 (as well as England's, Ireland's and India's for most of that time). Everyone loved the Queen… well except maybe for some of the folks who lived in the nations that England ruled by force… But for the most part she was a fun-loving, gin-swilling monarch who married her cousin and supported pre-Nazi Germany.

Happy May Two Four everybody!



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Free o' males



The other day on ESPN or TSN… or one of those sports channels, there was this "Miss Fitness" contest. You may have seen these pageants? Where the girls have rock hard abs and Schwarzeneggeresque biceps? They sport super-tight ponytails that stretch their faces back like Janice the Muppet. Then they dance around the stage doing one-handed push-ups and back flips to popular music.

Well if my balls didn’t shrink to the size of a newt’s eye. Of the few things I can do well with one hand... push-ups aren’t one of them. And back flips? The last time I back-flipped, it was as I screamed through the air after hitting a log with my bicycle.

The question that haunted me… was why? Why do these women go through years of painful training and diet so that they can compete in what is essentially a contest that demeans them to little more than a circus act? They have this amazing physical empowerment and they allow it to be exploited to sell some shitty power-bars.

If those beefy broads banded together… they could take over the whole world.

And when they did, I would proudly buy their swimsuit calendar to show my support.



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The Quintessential Employee



As some of you may know… I loathe the corporate life. The ‘pot luck’ lunches. The rampant insincerity. And worst of all… the incompetent assholes that leach from my never-waning fountain of positivity and hard work. Ahem.

At any rate, I am really… REALLY tired of supporting useless corporate morons who are too stupid to put together any logical thoughts or ideas of their own.

I’ve decided to do something about it. Let me know what you think:

1. If, in a meeting someone takes credit for my work… I will get up on the table, square off with my crotch just about their head and point at them while I sing-scream in a Rob Zombie type voice… “Fuuuuccckkk Yooouuuu….. Fuuuuccckkk Yooouuuu….. That’s my idea…. Fuuuuccckkk Yooouuuu…..”.

2. If somebody asks me for help and it’s pretty clear that the work I do will end up with HIS OR HER name on it… I will code that work with a small program that will take their name and add it to the Police’s ‘National Known Sex Offenders’ Registry database. Then, when they go to apply to be a Hockey Coach, Girl Guide or Scout troop leader… they will basically be fucked.

3. If someone calls me and asks for my expert opinion and then passes it off as their own, I will steal a locket of their hair then use it to carry out a Macumba soul separation curse that will cause them to float eternally in the Realm of Sorrow and Unspeakable Pain. I will also ‘Super-Size’ the curse to include their immediate family.

…and remember, there is no “I” in team… but there is an “M” and an “E” …fuckers.



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Freed? Ummm....



Didn’t the "Coalition Of The Willing" go into Iraq to free the poor, helpless Iraqis from the manacles of abuse and tyrannical rule that Saddam Hussein had wielded over them for dozens of years? Abuses like… ooooh… Gee, I dunno… the inhumane treatment of prisoners?

God bless America.




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